Wayward
(Thanks for the book, Genevieve!)
Vashti Bunyan - If I Were - Same But Different
I am reading a memoir by Vashti Bunyan. I stuck her song, Glow Worms, in my playlist ages ago, but I never knew much about her life. The 60s were a wild time by any measure, but her story is especially inspiring. She was kicked out of art school, failed at being a pop star, had a mental breakdown, and then started living under a bush - a literal bush - with an artist. While she was walking North alongside her horse drawn caravan, she found a new cook pot on the side of the road after breaking hers that morning which lead to a thought: everything you need is waiting if you keep moving.
My life has been so stuck feeling for the past couple years. I forgot I used to believe that too.
When we moved out here, I was full of hope and 23. I didn’t mind the lack of running water or electricity, because we were living exactly how we wanted. I developed a similar idea to Vashti’s, but it was probably stolen from a podcast or something: everything you need is within 50ft of you - or maybe it was 100ft - you get it either way. Life felt abundant, and that first spring of washing dishes in a dish tub with creek water and bathing in a rusty tub from a hose felt alive. I didn’t mind that the out dated Black Seeds and Slingshots left a bit of ink on my booty when I wiped. Life was simple, free, and moving. I planned tours at night by candle light and dreamed of children in my arms.
At some point, things got stagnant. Babies never came, money got tight, the house renovation stopped, shows resulted in no community built, the band lost members, skill groups fell through, and I began to unravel, slowly and now all at once.
I’m in the downward spiral, and I need to keep moving. I hope I find what I’m looking for before I lose my life on the way down. I have my first ever dose of antidepressants arriving tomorrow.
I have sworn off Instagram…again… I am back on the flip too. Choosing to be off of the public forum does have downsides: isolation is more pressing. My real life is confrontational and so is the grief of cutting close ties, despite it being necessary for everyone involved. I am sitting in it, and I need to make real decisions with real impacts before I drown. (Again, lexapro starts tomorrow)
In an attempts to keep moving, I am meeting people where they already are rather than just trying to get them here. I am in Toledo constantly: I am working in coffee, going to a sketchbook club where I make shrinky-dinks, and starting my own music project for the songs I am writing.
As an important aside, I need band members of all varieties. Passion means more than skill to me (Spread the word if you can. Maybe you could be a doll and post it on Instagram for me? :3)
I let you know when the cook pot shows up.
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Feeling this very much over here in Oregon Hannah- i recently started lexapro as well and after the onboarding, it has been such a gift…thinking about you covered in golden light~
I once saw some graffiti on a bridge over a motorway somewhere at sometime. It was the kind of graffiti that makes you wonder how did they manage to do that? It said ‘act like you know’ it’s been my mantra ever since, because I really don’t know. My music has no depth, my lyrics are dumb, I have 1 listener on Spotify for the moment, no one comes to my gigs, my art has become doodles. I forget my point but I’ve just quit my job, putting my house up for rent! I think being lost defines me! Your band is my favourite band I discovered last year, your top of my list of bands I need to see and play with! Keep playing, writing, painting!